I struggle with depression. That’s not a fun thing to admit. But I do. It isn't every day, but on days like today it is something that I have to deal with.
Depression is something that I have struggled with for longer than I can even remember, but I think that I first started to realize it after having my oldest son. Post-partum made me miserable my first year as a mom. I loved my son dearly, but part of me honestly wanted nothing to do with him that first year. I hated feeling that way, and feeling like you can’t get rid of it.
But even after having kids, I would notice there would be certain times that I would just get into a funk. Whether from hormones, or being a particular time of year, it is just something that would seem to hang around for awhile, only I would have no decision on when the feeling left me.
Being in the middle of one of my "funks" feels like a pit that you just can't climb out of. It isn't as simple as trying to be happier, fixing what is wrong, etc. Depression is sometimes this thing that just sticks around. Everything could be going great, I would have nothing to be sad about, but still at the end of the day, I would have this feeling that something is wrong. Just a sad cloud that has just stuck with me, that I just can't seem to shake off. And feeling like this can sometimes make me angry for no reason, crying at a moment's notice, or just not even having the will to get out of bed at the beginning of the day. Just this constant state of hopelessness for really no reason at all. But as I have realized that I struggle with this, I believe that I am learning how to deal with it. And to live in spite of it....and that is because of Jesus.
As I walk with Him each day, I have learned it is ok for me not to have it all together all the time. Because He does, and He can carry me through when I don’t think I have the strength to do it on my own.
I am learning not to rely on my feelings as much. Feelings can be such a great thing, and the Lord gave us the ability to have them, but they should not control us all the time. He should be the rock on which we firmly plant our feet. I love the verses in Matthew 7 that talk about that when we listen to the words Jesus says, that we will be like a wise man who built his house on a rock. And in verse 25 it says, "And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall because it had been founded on the rock."
Like these verses talk about, Jesus is my rock that I need to firmly plant my feet on. Not my circumstances, feelings, or my depression. He is greater than all of my problems.
As I write this, I am reminding myself of what I need to hear. Even though I know all of this, to put it into practice is totally a different thing. There are days as I go through this that I don’t want to feel, or make an effort. I will just want to go curl up in a ball, hide in my closet, and not participate in the day. But Jesus has more for me than that. When I feel like this, it can be a moment by moment thing of asking Jesus to help me. Asking for help to keep my eyes on Him, so I remember my purpose. To not be afraid to live. Because my life cannot be based on how I am feeling. It needs to be based on Him. He is my light in the darkness.